Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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