M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize