I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
