genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
