Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
