My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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