Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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