I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
