WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize