Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
