OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
