My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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