Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
