im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
