i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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