mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
