I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
