Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
