life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
