Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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