Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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