I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
