I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
