Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
