Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
