I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
