mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
