I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
