I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
