you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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