I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
