Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
