i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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