I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
