A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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