why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
