the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize