i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
ugly people sure do ruin things
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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