You kept calling me your small dog last night.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
