New low: just hacked my moms facebook
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
