I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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