They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
