Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
