carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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