did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
