I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize