roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
