last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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