a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
