I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
