don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
