The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize