You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
