look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Let's get the cat blown out
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
