GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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