distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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