I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
