My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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