I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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