Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
