I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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