and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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