I am puke
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
