Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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