Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
