Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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