I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
