how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
